June 3, 2023

I want to learn how to breathe again.

I feel as though my love and existence are suffocating to others. To myself.

I care too much. Set my sights too high. Expect too damn much from everyone, then have the gall to end up disappointed.

It is an abyss of loneliness. Others run. You drown. And you become the only possible savior in your circumstance.

Nobody else is coming. You have to use the tools you’ve got, and there are some things you just can’t be fully prepared for.

I feel like I am losing sight of who I want to be because I’m too caught up in wanting to be seen. But is that really unreasonable to ask?

I can’t remember the last time someone genuinely checked in on me. Genuinely listened. A simple “Are you okay?” could go a very long way.

I don’t understand. I am blessed with the opportunities I’ve been granted. By the people I have gotten to know.

But it still isn’t enough to sustain me. It feels like succumbing to a flood of voices when none of them speak the same language. It hurts to be the only one who knows how you want to be loved. Especially when you show yourself none.

I don’t want to be greedy. I don’t need to be the center of attention. I don’t want to ask too much. I hate being so ambitious. Or is overzealous a better word?

It isn’t even that their best is not enough. Then again, is this their best? Why does this voice inside of me want to say it isn’t? How would I know if it is, truly? Am I even putting in my best?

I just wish I had more perspective. I just wish I knew how to speak up and ask for more while simultaneously working on wanting less.

Being a human is hard.