June 2, 2023

I have a lot to say that is hard to put into words. So maybe that’s why I let them remain mere thoughts.

They can’t hurt.

They can’t isolate you.

They can’t be misconstrued.

They can’t be weaponized.

The only person who can weaponize your thoughts is you. And it’s a shame we tend to.

Day by day, I grow closer to knowing the true meaning of the word loneliness. It is not a lack of others’ presence. It’s the lack of warmth felt when others are present. It is watching your friends drift seemingly farther and farther away despite conversing every day. It’s running out of things to say to encapsulate what they mean and what you need.

Funny how that works, isn’t it?

I’ve given up on being seen for me. I’m always invisible unless someone needs something or wants to talk about their interests. Yet I’m never given the same level of consideration. Maybe that’s why I am so burnt out and have gotten god awful at listening. Because I’m only ever supposed to be the ear. Never the mouth. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so taken by writing. It’s the only space where I ever get to be the sharer.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Hell, the people in my life probably think they’re doing a great job because I’m too much of a coward to say anything. So who’s really at fault here?

But the truth is, I feel so overlooked. It’s like pulling teeth to get a response to anything I say when I speak, yet I am still called “friend”. People use that word too lightly nowadays, it would seem. Yet when I break down, I’m either met with silence or told I need to calm myself. No validation. No reassurance. No warmth.

It’s hardly fair that everyone else gets to have a moment and it makes them human, yet when I struggle it is somehow different. Or is that just me projecting my own thoughts onto others? Are both somehow the truth? Is it a mix?

See, I couldn’t say for sure. Which is why it might be better that I don't get to speak.